(Gentleman Jack is a good friend who has been having a rough go of his job search and general direction in life. These are his, at times, brilliant, eccentric and esoteric musings. These are The Loxley Files. Hopefully you’ll learn something -or at least have a good laugh.)
First off, you’ll need a computer! A lot of people might think you need a topic first, but that’s stupid. You’ll probably forget the topic by the time you buy a computer and get the internet hooked up [Ed's Note: Especially if you have Comcast].
Second, you’ll need a topic! Topics are important to writing because otherwise you end up with a blog post like this one. If you know what you are writing about before you start, you can take advantage of a literary device known as staying on topic. This makes it much easier for your readers to make sense of your too personal information, racist diatribe, or not-as-insightful-as-you-think sports commentary.
Third, now that you have your computer and your topic, you’re ready to write! So just open the flood gates, whatever thoughts you have on your topic, let them all out. If you feel really strongly about your topic, you may want to sit and stew for a while before you write. Here’s a trick: while you’re getting yourself worked up keep a pen and paper handy. That way if you think of any really snarky lines, or good hyperbole, you will have them when you start writing. A lot of people tend to over think this whole part, because they’re trying to sounds smart. Just write what you think, even if you have conflicting ideas, because after all if anyone reads it at all, it will only be people looking to agree with you.
Links to irrelevant historical events make you seem intelligent and insightful
Fourth, harness the power of the internet with links! Whatever your topic (especially pornography) it has probably been covered ad nauseam on the internet. You can insert links into your post, so if people don’t understand what you are referring to, they can look it up themselves. This is particularly effective when bringing up out date topics to rant about, as I did in my own post last week, critiquing a six month old article. It is also a convenient way to show your readers how smart you are. After all, you’re the writer, they’re just a bunch of nobodies. So show them who’s boss by dazzling them with casual references to the Battle of Hohenfriedberg or the second law of thermodynamics. Don’t worry if the reader doesn’t understand your link, or can’t find the relevant information on the page; that’s their problem. As you can see from my examples, Wikipedia is a great source for random information, but be careful! You don’t want to over use one reference source, especially when you have the whole World Wide Web at your fingertips. Besides the stranger the topic, the more likely some kook dedicated a whole website to it. One thing is for sure: the more links you can fit in, the better.
Remember, Uncle Sam's reading, too!
Fifth step: finding your voice! You’re probably asking, “Wait a minute, shouldn’t I do this before I write something?” The answer is no, and please stop interrupting. Finding your voice is a process. Over time, the more you write, the more you will develop your own unique way of writing, making it that much easier for the federal government to track what you do online. So keep on writing. Maybe you’ll want to try writing at different times of day; some people do their best writing late at night, while others like to start fresh after a good nights sleep. Maybe you’ll work on a single post over time and revise. Maybe you’ll write all at once and be done with it. Maybe you can throw alcohol into the mix and see where that gets you; hey, you’re not driving. The point is, do what works for you and keep working on it.
Sixth, post it online! I don’t actually have my own blog, so I don’t know how to do this. I just send them to my friend who is too lazy to come up with his own content, and he posts it for me. Maybe you can find a friend and do the same; maybe you can even send your stuff here, I imagine his e-mail address is on there somewhere (I’m not really sure; I don’t read the blog myself).
Now you know how to write a blog post. So get out there bloggers and start writing! Universal healthcare won’t defeat itself!
Good Luck,
Gentleman Jack
