Ghosts of Horatio Alger

(Gentleman Jack is a good friend who has been having a rough go of his job search and general direction in life. These are his, at times, brilliant, eccentric and esoteric musings. These are The Loxley Files. Hopefully you’ll learn something -or at least have a good laugh.)

First off, you’ll need a computer! A lot of people might think you need a topic first, but that’s stupid. You’ll probably forget the topic by the time you buy a computer and get the internet hooked up [Ed's Note: Especially if you have Comcast].

Second, you’ll need a topic! Topics are important to writing because otherwise you end up with a blog post like this one. If you know what you are writing about before you start, you can take advantage of a literary device known as staying on topic. This makes it much easier for your readers to make sense of your too personal information, racist diatribe, or not-as-insightful-as-you-think sports commentary.

Third, now that you have your computer and your topic, you’re ready to write! So just open the flood gates, whatever thoughts you have on your topic, let them all out. If you feel really strongly about your topic, you may want to sit and stew for a while before you write. Here’s a trick: while you’re getting yourself worked up keep a pen and paper handy. That way if you think of any really snarky lines, or good hyperbole, you will have them when you start writing. A lot of people tend to over think this whole part, because they’re trying to sounds smart. Just write what you think, even if you have conflicting ideas, because after all if anyone reads it at all, it will only be people looking to agree with you.

Links to irrelevant historical events make you seem intelligent and insightful

Fourth, harness the power of the internet with links! Whatever your topic (especially pornography) it has probably been covered ad nauseam on the internet. You can insert links into your post, so if people don’t understand what you are referring to, they can look it up themselves. This is particularly effective when bringing up out date topics to rant about, as I did in my own post last week, critiquing a six month old article. It is also a convenient way to show your readers how smart you are. After all, you’re the writer, they’re just a bunch of nobodies. So show them who’s boss by dazzling them with casual references to the Battle of Hohenfriedberg or the second law of thermodynamics. Don’t worry if the reader doesn’t understand your link, or can’t find the relevant information on the page; that’s their problem. As you can see from my examples, Wikipedia is a great source for random information, but be careful! You don’t want to over use one reference source, especially when you have the whole World Wide Web at your fingertips. Besides the stranger the topic, the more likely some kook dedicated a whole website to it. One thing is for sure: the more links you can fit in, the better.

Remember, Uncle Sam's reading, too!

Fifth step: finding your voice! You’re probably asking, “Wait a minute, shouldn’t I do this before I write something?” The answer is no, and please stop interrupting. Finding your voice is a process. Over time, the more you write, the more you will develop your own unique way of writing, making it that much easier for the federal government to track what you do online. So keep on writing. Maybe you’ll want to try writing at different times of day; some people do their best writing late at night, while others like to start fresh after a good nights sleep. Maybe you’ll work on a single post over time and revise. Maybe you’ll write all at once and be done with it. Maybe you can throw alcohol into the mix and see where that gets you; hey, you’re not driving. The point is, do what works for you and keep working on it.

Sixth, post it online! I don’t actually have my own blog, so I don’t know how to do this. I just send them to my friend who is too lazy to come up with his own content, and he posts it for me. Maybe you can find a friend and do the same; maybe you can even send your stuff here, I imagine his e-mail address is on there somewhere (I’m not really sure; I don’t read the blog myself).

Now you know how to write a blog post. So get out there bloggers and start writing! Universal healthcare won’t defeat itself!

Good Luck,

Gentleman Jack

(Gentleman Jack is a good friend who has been having a rough go of his job search and general direction in life. These are his at times, brilliant, eccentric and esoteric musings. These are The Loxley Files. Hopefully you’ll learn something.)

Yes, I decided to refer to my latest missive as a “communiqué.” Why did I make this choice? Well, I can’t remember what initially brought the word to mind – probably something to do with Qaddaffi at the UN. As soon as I thought of the word I was reminded of Paul Fussell’s 1983 classic Class: A Guide Through the American Status System. In this hilarious and thoroughly insightful book, Fussell identifies various social castes by the class anxiety and insecurity that motivates everything from their consumption habits to vocabulary. He points to the insecurity of terrorist groups (remember this is 1983, so think more Red Army Faction than al Qaeda) for always issuing “communiqués.” Though other terms would be equally descriptive, communiqué has that learned, official ring to it that lends an air of the legitimacy these groups so desperately crave.

Unfortunately, the free association did not stop there. As soon as I thought of Class, I was reminded of  “Class Dismissed” by Sandra Tsing Loh in the March 2009 issue of Atlantic Monthly. I wanted to write in then but I was in Afghanistan at the time, searching for Taliban gold and generally doing my best to chastise the tribesmen leaving me very little time to for letters to the editor. (That’s actually not what I was doing at all, I’ll say I was a non-combatant and nothing else, as making up new lies whenever it comes up will be good leitmotif for my posts).

Tsing Loh’s article centers on Fussell’s concept of Xs, people who do not concern themselves with what class they fall into; who, being liberated from class anxieties are thus liberated from the class system entirely. These types are generally of the creative class, bohemians if you like, who are primarily concerned with intellectual stimulation and things that excite their interest. Unfortunately, Tsing Loh’s treatment illustrates an acute misunderstanding of the concept. She argues that because people in creative and independent professions have accumulated a great deal of wealth over the last 10 or 15 years, they have become victims of the anxieties of their own bohemian class.

The wrong turn she makes, sending her the wrong way down a one way street, is that she does not identify Xs by their ideas and actions. Tsing Loh seems to assign the term to anyone with a “creative” job that allows them the flexibility to work from Starbucks and dress like shit [Ed Note: Hey, I do that!]. An X is not an X because of their job; in fact I could not think of a more un-X definition. An X is an X because they feel the need to express themselves, and not for validation, but simply for the sake of self-expression. What’s more, they do so with little regard for compensation or the reaction (good or bad) of others. The people she identifies as fallen Xs are not Xs at all. Instead of being people who eschew societal conventions in favor of their own individual ideas, they’re just a bunch of people who take casual Friday too far. Just as Industrial Age white collar workers wore neck ties to demonstrate they did not work with machinery (which could suck in the tie and decapitate them), these false Xs wear jeans and don’t shave most of the week to demonstrate that they’re important enough not to have to dress a certain way, and want the validation they get from making sure you know it. These people are not Xs, they never were.

So who are these people, gentle reader? They’re just the same old anxious middle class they work so hard not to be. They’ve traded in their plastic fantastic Madison Avenue scene for green products they are completely committed to for as long as it remains convenient. But they’re still out there striving to be fit in, keep up, out do and to be perceived as anything but what they are. So in the future, instead of working to be perceived as better, just be better; and instead worrying about what class you’re in, worry about whether I’ll lighten up next week.

[Author’s post-script: I would have enjoyed quoting directly from the book, particularly in regard to communiqués, not to mention Xs. Unfortunately my copy is locked in a storage unit – the key to which is lost. Not to worry, I’m in talks with the family mechanic to borrow some bolt cutters, but I think it would be well worth it for the reader to pick up their own copy of Class.]

-Gentleman Jack